Church camp

So it is currently 1 in the morning, but I have to tell you guys exactly what happened to me tonight.

•••••••• let go. I finally, fully, completely let go••••••••

I went to the front of the stage in front of an entire crowd and got down on my hands and knees and wept.

I cried out with everything in me and I didn’t get off of my knees until the last song was through. I kept on saying “I can’t do this anymore” over and over because I realized I needed God to do this, I needed him to take all of this pain for me.

It felt like my whole life had finally hit me, all at once.

There was a girl sitting next to me who kept saying something along the lines of “stay strong” and I looked up to her and said “I’ve been trying to stay strong my whole life and it hasn’t worked for me so I’m done. It’s okay for me to not be strong right now.”

My eyes were opened tonight.

The car accident and papa passing away opened my eyes to the reality of death. I strived to get closer with God and also bring others to God too. However, my only motivation behind that was “everyone dies and I want everyone to go to heaven.”

———— I read my bible, I do a devotional everyday, I pray twice a day, I’m a worship leader at my church, I help out with the children during one of my church services, and attend the other, I listen to sermons online and take notes in my free time, I’ve given my testimony at church events, invited people to church, had random gospel conversations. I was doing everything in my power possible to be close to God.

*but I never felt whole

*I felt extremely broken and empty

I thought I would feel this way forever because of the things I’ve been through in my life. I thought I was too broken to fix.

Of course I loved God, but with all of the effort I put into trying to have a relationship with him, I felt like it almost wasn’t worth it. I didn’t understand why I never felt better. I prayed for God to take all of my pain away many times before I did tonight. I‘ve told him I couldn’t do this on my own...but tonight was completely different..

As I kneeled down around a bunch of other crying people they slowly started to leave but I stayed... I couldn’t leave, I had too much to give up. I had too much I’d been holding back. I had too much to let out.

---

After I’d got myself together I talked to Robyn, one of our youth leaders, about how I was scared. I always thought this was it. I thought that since I was living an “ideal christian life” that this was as good as it got. I thought I’d always feel broken, and that it was all about getting other people to heaven.

But I was wrong...

She told me God wants me to be happy on Earth too, it isn’t all about what happens next, because I can have a relationship with God now. (And I thought I did). I thought that every Christian in the world was like me and wanted to lead others to God but was completely unhappy too.

But then I had a slight glimpse of hope, and that made me nervous...

I didn’t know what else there was. I did everything I thought was possible to get close to God so I didn’t know what the “next step” would be.

I told Robyn I was afraid that nothing would change, because I was already doing everything I thought there was to do.

She told me that everything in me was filled with such brokenness, hurt, pain and mistakes that there wasn’t room for anything else. She explained that the reason I wasn’t receiving anything from God is because I didn’t have room . She said that all of the crying I did tonight was me letting go of the bad and making way for everything God has for me. She told me that now is when his word begins to change my life if I let it.

So I’m going to try my best to let it.

-tori 💛